Random thoughts

Just some random thoughts while writing up my chapter 2 from my dissertation

1) sometimes we tend to forget that time flies so fast, that we forget to appreciate or notice the small things that our children learn everyday. When we do notice it's like, eh, 'when did she learn that?', 'from where did she got that?'

2) I don't think I have enough time to do everything. exhaustion is catching up on me 

School baru untuk fea?

My latest concern is about my daughter's education. she is now 2 and a half years old, goes to a day care centre which does not provide much input. So currently, I'm searching for a good kindergarten around Kelana Jaya. I want fea to learn something. I admit I don't have time teach her much but when I have the free time I will try to. I do feel guilty and I tried but i just don't feel it's enough.

Thinking of sending her to tadika Aladdin or tadika Salsabila. Both have agama classes but the difference is the owner of the place and the teachers they hire. One is non-muslim and the other is a muslim kindergarten. I don't want to be racist or anything it's just the concern of the kindergarten environment that's all. Also the akhlaq of the teacher's must be observed since fea will be sepending more than 30hours per week at the school. I don't want her to adapt any bad akhlaq and so on. Another concern is what they are feeding at the nursery. I know the non-muslim school will pay respect to the muslims but nonetheless I'm still "was-was" with the situation.

So anyway. Tomorrow I will go out and search a suitable school for fea. All the best to me~

Year 2011~

It's barely a week in the new year but I'm already feeling the pressure because:-

• Just started my M.A class, yesterday was only the second class and I'm already down in tears(will explain later).
• Also taught Korean students, a bit challenging but managed to do it. Thank god it's only for 1 month
• need to go to work and then head for M.A class in the evening
• I really can't seem to manage my time yet. Trying to be a teacher, a student, a wife and a mother, I'm telling you it ain't easy(well that's why I cried last night)
• Feels like I have no time for my family but in fact they should be my priority

I really need to get life sorted out. I need to know when to spend time with sofeah, when to do the house chores, when to..well people say "menjalankan tanggungjawab sebagai isteri", when to study and do my assignments and also class prep...pheww...owh yeah I need to cook for them as well and a baby is on his way~

I can't quit (my M.A that is, not my whole life). No way for me to quit. I just need to take it in slowly and do whatever I can. I mean, other mothers have done it before so why can't I. Just need to think positive and I know there is always a way for me to cope with all of this.

Alhamdulillah, I have a loving and understanding husband who I know will always be there when I need him. I am grateful as well that for the past month 1 did not work as I can spend the whole day with Sofeah, how I miss those days soo badly. I really hope sofeah understands that it's just going to be for a while (which I doubt she understands at all).

I need to sacrifice some things now for the future.

I've decided not to pursue my doctorate degree after my M.A because I know I can't have it all. What's important to me is my family. I want to be there all the time for my children in the future. Yeah I'm not that ambitious but at least I want my children to know I'm always there for them.

It really is difficult for me now and I pray everyday so that the next day will be easier. I'll cope somehow... Insya'Allah

last night~

Last night before I went to sleep, I cried.

I cried because of Fea, She grew so fast.

She slept in her own cot yesterday.

I'm afraid, I don't want her to grow too fast.

She's getting heavier by the day.

I'm scared I won't be able to carry her anymore.

Hubby says, She's only 18 months old!

You can pick her up if you want to.

I said, never mind. I need to accept the fact that she would never stop growing up.

Love you so much Fea.

Sesuatu yang rambang~

Malas nak tulis English sebab tanak org yang tak berkenaan bace..heh

1) Earthquake di padang menakutkan sungguh. Dekat dah dengan Malaysia tue. Takleh nk imagine kalau kite in their shoes. Dah la I, hubby n fea kat 3 tempat berlainan(xde kaitan but just felt like writing this down)..huhue

2) Tiap-tiap pagi hantar fea ke nursery mesti rase berat hati. Sedih sangat. Bile fea nangis jer lagi sedih umminye. Fea skang dah pandai dakap ummi atau ayahnye(depends sape yang hantar die ke nursery) kuat-kuat sebab tanak pi nursery. Hari isnin hari paling susah skali sebab weekends die dah selesa dok ngn ummi dan ayahnye kat rumah.

3) Benar susuibu adalah yang terbaik utk bayi sampai umur mereka 2 tahun la max tapi ada jugak ibu-ibu diluar sana tak mampu nak susukan anak mereka dengan susu ibu. Dah guna macam-macam cara tapi still tak berjaya juga. Kesian juga kat mereka ni. Thus, kita jangan la cepat sgt nak mengutuk or nak pandang rendah and judge these mothers yang bagi susu formula kat baby. Mereka pon sayang baby diorg juga. Aku mengaku dulu aku juga bangga sgt dapat susukan anak dengan susuibu dan pandang serong jugak terhadap mothers yang bagi susu formula ni tapi sekarang tidak lagi since hubby tegur "awak dengan kawan-kawan awak ni(kawan forum) jangan la pandang rendah sgt. Bebile jer Allah boleh tarik balik nikmat tu baru tau, plus jangan la riak sangat, Allah tak suka. Biarla kita bersederhana" owh ok, these aren't exacly his words.

4) Semalam dan hari sabtu kami sekeluarga busy beraya here and there. Ntah kat mane2 ceruk tah kami pi. Susah betul nak cari rumah2 org2 ni. Dah la saya dan hubby ni buta jalan lagi susah la keadaanya. Semalam pi rumah kawan hubby kat segambut and lalu kat jalan mont kiara 3, masuk jer simpang tue "wah2 mewahnye kawasan ni, org dok kat sini sure kaya gile punye" then 500m kehadapan terus masuk slum area macam rumah setinggan la ape...terkejut kejap.."haih, pelik betul, macam mane bole kat luar td rumah mewah..hay ya...darjat berlainan yang ketara ni dok sebelah2 je". Hubby and me baru realize ntah kat mane2 ceruk pon ada orang duduk.heh.punye la dok kat dunia sendiri jer selama ni...ish2

5) Raya taun ni seronok la compared to last year sebab taun ni beraya dengan puteri sulung kami and saya pon ade energy nak pi berjalan merata. Last year kan saya mengandung so dok umah je la. Plus, last year sume barang and minyak mahal so tak ramai yang buat open house.heh

Buli jalan raya & award?~

Meh sini daku nak bercerita pasal buli jalan raya...

Sedangku drive ke tempat keje dengan hati girang gemilang melayan anak dalam car seat kat sebelah tibe2 plak ade mamat bawak kete toyota wish kat belakang honk dan pasang high beam.

Aku ape lagi..hangin dan dengan keras kepala refuse untuk ketepi sebab kurang hajar sedemikian rupe..aku bawak slow n steady..die nk wat ape kat belakang lantak die la.

Lagipon xde la aku bwk slow macam nenek tua ke ape..bawak 80..ok la kan since itu la speed limit kat jalan tue(baru kuar dari kerinchi link punye tol-jalan tue kan tinggi..klo silap corner mau jatuh dalam gaung mane ntah..lg pon aku gune smart tag so mmg akan termasuk kat lane laju dulu la kan baru pelahan2 nk kesot ke lane slow...ade 2 lane je pon)..ngokngek punye org.

Kesian kat anak aku kat sebelah tekejut dengan hon bunyi cam kentut tue..nasib die ok pagi tadi..xde la merengek ke ape. Baik jer duduk dalam car seat. Aku nak ketepi tak boleh sbb ade plak kete kancil so duduk je la lane tu(ala kejap jer pon sbb klo kedepan sikit dah ade 3 lane...xsabar punye org). klo die langgar die la byr..mengelabah sgt tue kenape..lepas die potong aku kat depan tue pon die kene block dengan 4 buah kete..ahaha..puas hati aku..

owh ha lupe...pagi ni fea ikut aku pegi keje then mak aku amek die kat tempat keje..mak mertua aku demam..kesian die..smlm pon adik ipar aku yang jage fea..esok tak tau la macam mane ni..

Anyway, aku nk cakap la sikit. Orang2 pakai kete besar ni tak payah la nk buli orang pakai kete kecik...respect la sikit..org lain pon ade equal rights jugak keatas jalan raya yang digunekan..

macam semalam, mentang2 la bwk kete honda tetibe jer nak hon suami aku sbb nk park kat tepi...bukannye org tak bagi signal...siolan punye org..xpasal..

Aku n hubby sejak ade anak ni mmg pemandu yang berkhemah abis la..ye la bile dah ade anak dok pikir jer anak..xnk la anything bad happen ke ape..

owh lagi satu aku tak puas ati dgn van vannete (camni ke eja..ntah laa) aku dah stereotype kan sume van jenis ni mmg kurang hajar punye org..bawak macam tooot tooott...amboih, macam awk sorg jer boleh gune jalan ni..aku pon byr cukai jalan tau

ahaha...xpasal emo plak..meh kite bertukar mood...

Ho yeah....my first award dapat dari Ayatt...thanks manyak2 ye..

Alamak kene tag org yang malash nieh...

Rules for these brilliant award:
1. copy paste the award at your blog once you got it
2. make an entry if this is like a GRAMMY award =P
3. tag 6 other blogger
4. never break the chain please (optional)


so watch out for the names here,
YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED;
1) wun
2) shasha
3) krsty
4) anis
5) diane
6) diana

My emotions~

Can I do things that I want to do for a change?

.

.
I hate this feeling called guilt and conscience~
.
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I'm not happy~
.
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I'm torn in between~
.
.
I have to satisfy everybody? impossible~
.
.
I want my way~
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Tired
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Exhausted
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I need rest
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Hate working on Saturdays~
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Need more time to spend with my NEW family~
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I have a new family now
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My obligations now is towards my husband n my family
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Feel like flying away
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I need a holiday
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but that's just running away~
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I feel like crying
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but it won't help much
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Every time i tried to escape there's always something pulling me back
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I don't want to carry this burden anymore
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Why can't they understand~
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They need to let go~
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otherwise forever my conscience will bug me
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and never will I rest in Peace~

~~UNhappy Me~~

Adakah anda prejudis?

Perbualan;

1) Si A: Selalu makan sorg ke?
Si B: A'ah, kat company tu saya sorg jer melayu, yang lain chinese diorg pi mkn kat tempat
non-halal.
Si A: wah, tanak tukar keje ke?(muka terkejut)
Si B: (dalam hati... e'eh nape nk tukar keje pulak) hmm, tengah cari keje barulah sbb dok jauh.

2) Si C: Nak mengajar kat college T*** risau skit la sbb ramai bangsa asing. Tau la diorg ni
macam mane..heh
Si D: ha tue la...lagi2 bangsa C*** diorg ni dah la kedekut, macam2 hal la. Bangsa I**** pon
same..tah paper..tak betul
Si C: Tapi tak sume macam tue..ade je yang baik
Si D: mmg ade la tapi kebayakannye macam tue

3) Si E: wah ko nak mengajar kat College T*** biar betul. ko tau tak kat sane ramai C***. Diorg
ni susah sikit nak mengajar. Nakal. Paham2 je la kan. Lagi2 swasta ni.
Si F: Owh yeh. tapi tak sume macam tue kan..hmm

Kenapa kite selalu labelkan bangsa ini itu dan bangsa itu ini. Tidak kah kita sedar bahawa semua insan di dunia ini datang dari Allah S.W.T. Semuanya sama tak kira bangsa. Nak kate C*** kedekut, corrupt, berkira la ape. Macam la bangsa M***** tue bagus sangat. Allah telah mencipta pelbagai kaum supaya kita berkenalan antara satu sama lain bukannya untuk kita cari keburukkan mereka.

Ye, aku mengaku bahawa dulu aku pernah tergolong dalam invidu yang mengata bangsa lain itu ini tetapi setelah bekerja di company yang aku seorang sahaja melayu dan yang lain semua cina telah mengajar aku supaya tidak lagi menjadi prejudis. Hendak tahu mengapa?

1) Pada mulanya saya telah di offer pekerjaan di satu kolej dimana 98% adalah bangsa melayu kemudian saya ditolak kerana saya disahkan mengandung. Bangsa sendiri sanggup mengetepikan saya disaat saya betul2 memerlukan kerja. Saya mengandung sahaja bukannya saya ade sakit kronik ke.

2) Setelah 3 bulan mengandung, saya dapat panggilan untuk temu duga. Saya beritahu awal2 bahawa saya mengandung kerana tidak mahu membuang masa mereka. Walaupun saya sudah nyatakan keadaan saya, company ini besungguh-sungguh hendak saya datang untuk temu duga. Akhirnya saya dapat juga kerja di company yang 100% cina kecuali saya. Tengok bertapa baik dan mulianya mereka kerana menerima saya. Tidak memandang rendah terhadap saya dan terima saya kerana saya kebolehan saya dan bukan kerana saya berbadan dua.

3) Sedang saya sarat lagi megandung saya dapat lagi satu panggilan untuk temu duga. Ini perbualan saya antara interviewer itu.

Saya: Saya mengandung 8 bulan dah ni, boleh ke?
Si minah: eh kenapa pula? datang je la
Saya: ye la separuh company tanak orang mengandung ni
Si Minah: Ala company lain tue mengada2 jer. Datang la, look forward seeing you.
Saya: owh terima kasih2..hehe

Ini juga merupakan company cina. Tengok sape yang prejudis dan kedekut sekarang ni.

4) Walaupun saya seorang sahaja melayu yang bekerja di syarikat ini, mereka tetap memberi layanan yang baik. Tidak ada prejudis. Kadang2 ada juga mereka ajak makan bersama di kedai mamak supaya saya tidak keseorangan. Mereka juga pernah cuba mencarikan seorang lagi pekerja melayu untuk teman saya. Tetapi dia tidak kerja lama kerana dapat tawaran untuk melanjutkan pelajaran.

Senang kate kita tidak boleh prejudis dan labelkan setiap orang itu hanya berdasarkan kaum sahaja. Get to know them as an individual then you'll know the real them rather than just judge them at first sight according to their race.

Tak perlu la nak bangga sangat dengan bangsa M*****. Setiap orang ada kelemahan masing2 yang tidak mengikut bangsa.

Fikirkan lah ye~

Rasa bersalah~

Sedangku menikmati juadah tengah hari tempoh hari tiba-tiba sahaja datang perasaan sebak di hati ini. Bukannya apa. Sebelum turun untuk makan saya ada terbaca satu blog tentang sepasang suami Isteri yang duduk di hospital dan tidak putus asa berdoa supaya anak keduanya pulih dari komplikasi jantung yang menjadi teruk semakin hari. Aku berasa syukur tak terhingga kerana dikurniakan bayi yang sihat. Alhamdulillah. Begitu tabah sepasang suami isteri itu. Aku tidak dapat bayangkan diriku sendiri bagaimana bila berhadapan dengan situasi begitu.

Di blog yang sama juga ku belek-belek entry yang telah lama ditulis. Ada tentang ayahnya meminta maaf kepada anak sulungnya kerana tidak dapat meluangkan masa yang banyak untuk anaknya dan terpaksa bekerja keras untuk mencari rezeki. Semasa membaca entry ini air mataku mengalir kerana terbayangkan anakku dirumah. Aku tiba-tiba sahaja rasa bersalah sangat dengan anakku kerana aku juga begitu. Awal pagi sudah keluar untuk ke pejabat dan balik lewat petang. Malah hari Sabtu juga saya perlu kerja sekerat hari. Hanya hari ahad sahaja saya ada masa seharian dengan anak tercinta.

Namun begitu saya tetap bersyukur kerana saya masih ada sedekit masa untuk suami dan anak saya. Ada yang kurang bernasib baik dari saya. walaupun hari sabtu saya bekerja sekerat hari saya anggap itu sebagai giliran suami saya pula bermanja-manja dengan anak saya kerana dia sering merungut anak selalu berkepit dengan saya sahaja apabila masa menyusu.

Sekian sudah catitan saya yang sekema ini. Maaf jika ianya seperti berterabur dan perkataan yansg saya gunakan tidak sesuai.

Smile Alwayz~

It's not easy

Not easy being a wife, a mother and a working mother all together.

Sure one can cope but I'm just saying it's not easy.

You have to be patient most of the time.

You don't know the meaning of tired anymore.

All you do is keep going and do the same routine everyday.

Sure sometimes your tired, sleepy, hungry but you put everything aside trying not to be selfish to attend to your husband and child mainly because you love them soo much.

Everyday waking up at 3.30am to feed your child then wake up again to pump out the milk for your child. Sometime in between 6 - 7am change your child's diaper, get ready for work, make breakfast and feed your child again then of to work. During lunch time is another pump session. At home by 6pm and feed the child again until the child. by 8pm need to get dinner ready and at ten sterile the bottles for the next day. You'll be in bed by 10.30pm because of the exhaustion.

Even said so, all the things that you've done people still say that you're selfish, self centered, boring, lembab, selalu meminta tak pernah cukup(always asking), countless of times being shouted at and even say some stuffs that just meant to hurt you but they did not intend to do it in the first place.

All you can do now is just be patient, keep quite and don't argue because at the end of the day you'll get hurt even more. Sometimes it's better to keep them all to yourself.

The only thing that keeps you going is your husband and your child.

Lucky you to have the person you love with you everyday.

I solute to mothers out there who is a wife, a mother, a working mother and a student.

Alhamdulillah~

The hard times

Once they cried in each others arms as they did not know what the future hold.

Their savings running low day by day.

Only one of them had a job at the time but still struggling with the job because the real world shocked her.

The other half still searching for a job. He did not care what it is. What's for certain he needs a job desperately as a new baby will be arriving soon.

One time he walked all over to find a job until his legs shook as it is a sign for him to stop but he did not give up.

And now, thinking back the hard times they went through they are now grateful how they end up the way they are living life. They can now smile and leave it all behind behind.

Alhamdulillah

~MY thoughts before,during and after~

As you might know from hubby's blog, we've just organised our first jamuan raya come housewarming party last Saturday. All we can say that it was a success even though tiring but we had a lot of fun meeting our familes and friends. thanks to all that came bagi memeriahkan keadaan and maaf la ye umah tu besar sangat(me being sarcastic..hehe) not enough to accommodate some..ade yg dok luar pon(wun's friends) and alsodekat pintu dapur(also wun's friends) kesian...

Anyways, these were my thoughts that I would like to share before, during and after the jamuan raya...

BEFORE: Waktu ni lepak-lepak lagi sambil susun-susun makanan atas meja..mandi pon tak lagi dalam pukul 9.30am(lepas tue kelam kabut pi mandi and main capai jer baju sennag utk dipakai, tue yg selekeh sket tue..hee)..first session pukul 10am "Waahhh~ banyak nye makanan ni...ramai ke orang nak datang ni?risaunye..kalau tak habis macam mane..huhue..."

DURING: Ni time second session..1pm..pick hour, orang sume tengah kebulur nih"EH, makanan makin sikit ni..nak buat ape..Alamak! cawan pon dah habis..kene kuarkan cawan dari gerobok ni..Uiiihh, ais pon dah habis...minum air suam-suam je la ye"...maaf!~
(Aku pon dok la keluar masuk dapur basuh cawan orang dah guna dan susun balik atas meja..pheww)

TOWARDS THE END:Dalam pukul 5pm..."huuu, penatnye badan ni..rase macam nk tido jer"..(terlelap jugak atas sofa..nasib dah xde tetamu) Around 6 plus a friend and hubby datang..layan la mereka..

AFTER: Our jamuan raye ended around 7pm but my uncle and family came around 9pm so kene la layan jua..nasib ade my parents kalau tidak pengsan la..penat tue memang tidak terkata..sabar je la..owh forgot to mention that my mom masak nasi tomato pulak untuk makan malam..hehe..mmg makanan byk habis la..so my thoughts after the jamuan "pheww, lega dah abis..esok kene mengemas pula..huhue..nasib byk makanan dah habis kalau tidak kan dah membazir..heh"

So that's all folks..sorry to those that I forgot to invite for the jamuan..insya'Allah if we do it again next year remind me to invite you people k..hehe..~MAAF ZAHIR BATIN~

p/s: thanks faha for the pic..i grabbed it from your facebook..hope you don't mind..hehe..this picture was taken with his dslr canon EOS 40d camera(I think that's the model)..dead jealous...owh n me ternganga la pulak..xready lagi k...

Smile Alwayz =p

Ape lagi yang TIDAK cukup?

Kenapalah kite sentiasa rase ada saja benda yang tidak cukup and tidak pernah atau lupa untuk menghargai ape yang sedia ada didepan mata? Mengapakah pandangan kite slalu dikaburi dengan nafsu? Nafsu dan kehendak kite akan slalu menyesatkan diri, dan membuatkan kite rase tidak tenang dihati. Ada saja benda yang kita mahu. Kita ni bagaikan hamba kepada kehendak diri ini.

Saya sendiri tidak terlepas dari kehendak diri..ada saja kemahuan dan jika tidak dapat mula lah saya rasa sedih dan marah. Suami pula jadi tempat saya lepaskan geram..kesian suami kene pujuk dan bersabar dengan kerenah ini..

Apa yang saya ada sekarang ni sudah cukup sebenarnya dah lebih dari tu kire nak hidup mewah sahaja tapi ialah manusia sering lupa dan sentiasa hendak lebih dari kemampuan dirinya sendiri.

Kepada suami tercinta, terima kasih kerana mengingatkan saya untuk bersyukur dan tidak perlu layan sangat kehendak nafsu.. terima kasih juga kerana mengingatkan saya apa yang saya mahu kerana nafsu adalh tidak baik untuk diriku dan juga untuk anak kita.. Terima Kasih Suamiku.. Saya sentiasa akan beringat selepas ini dan tidak lagi akan meragam macam budak 5 tahun..betul cakap awak "please remember, you're my wife" dan "i'm still your husband"..Maaf kadang2 tue terkasar dengan awak..bukan saya sengaja tapi bile perasaan marah tu timbul suka saja bertindak mengikut perasaan tanpa mengendahkan perasaan awak..

Akhir kata,
Saya sangat bersyukur kerana saya ada suami seperti awak yang cukup bersabar dan sentiasa memberi peringatan kepada saya..bukan semua yang kita nak kita boleh dapat..Apa yang kita ade kita patut bersyukur..

Saya Sangat mencintai awak Syazwan Rahimy dan saya akan sentiasa mengingati pesananmu akan datang..Awak adalah suami mithali dan saya percaya awak juga akan jadi ayah mithali kepada anak-anak kita nanti..Tidak ada benda lain lagi yang saya perlukan cuma kasih sayang dari awak~

Smile Alwayz =)