Confused

Owh ok...it's been a while since my entry...i use this blog as self motivation...sometimes when i think i'm loosing it i will write so that i can feel better and rationalise things that goes in my head. So when i'm not bragging in my blog i would jot down my feelings in my diary....so let me give you on the updates or the things that i've wrote before...

We can not really say how our life is going to turn out because there are too many suprises and expectations. the unexpected always comes uninvited that what scares me sometimes. The thing is that sometimes when the unexpected comes it is far more better than the expected. you tend to appreciate it more. Atleast thats what i think and believe.

YOu know how sometimes a person points out your faults and you get very confused with whether to believe what they say is true and you want to change it or you know better and do not feel the need to change whatever you've become...so i have a choice...

ok...i have to stop now...there is something going on in this house right now, with the shouting I really can not focus...so what do you do when your parents gets into an arguement or a really big fight...you are stuck in the middle..you do not know what to do...i really hope this family would pull it back together...coz this falling out thing if it gets worse it might end up in...hmm...dun what to think about it...

till next time...

Smile Alwayz...

There is always the brighter side of life....

Songs that I listen tonight...hmm

These are the songs that i just stumbled across in my sisters playlist...something for me 2 ponder about...hmm

Artist: nidji
song title: Hapus Aku

Kutuliskan kesedihan
Semua tak bisa kau ungkapkan
Dan kita kan bicara dengan hatiku

Buang semua puisi
Antara kita berdua
Kau bunuh dia sesuatu
Yang ku sebut itu cinta

Chorus:Yakinkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Sadarkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Artist : UNIC
Song title: Demi Cinta Suci

Dengan hatiku luka pedih
kerana dicalari
cinta penuh duri

lemas aku dalam dilema
pada janji manis
sungguh tak bermakna

mencarimu kasih
bagai mencari mutiara putih
walau didasar lautan sanggup ku selami
namun tak percaya apa yang telah aku terjumpa
.....masih tak berharga

demi cinta yang suci ku relakan kepentingan ini
demi sinar bahagia ku hambakan diri pada Yang Esa

chorus: baru kini ku rasa, nikmatnya cinta yang suci
ia tiada bandingan dengan cinta yang kau beri
ranjau yang berduri akan aku tabah menempuhnya
penyubur iman di dalam jiwa

k dats all from me for tonight...I need to go to sleep now...tomorrow a new day for me...I have classes to attend to...yea!!!
haha...nite2!

A funny world we live in..

Ok...fine i'm a freak...this is what I do evrytime I drive back to UIA or back home...heh..I like to look at or remember or stare at other peoples plate numbers...I really dun know why...I guess it's my habit, or my interest...kind of weird isn't it...soo anyway this is what i look at in the plate numbers...whether it is WLP, WLS or BCQ...and the numbers 4241, 7702, 3571...haha...i remember peoples plate numbers...that someone that i'm close to once a upon a time a go...heh...so i counted the numbers which ones occurs the most and smile at myself sometimes for the satisfaction just by observing these numbers...some of them are really close...the numbers that keeps on occuring is 77...i wonder why...hmm...owh sometimes 553 also comes up a lot...heh...I'm quite good at remembering other peoples plate numbers...(most of the cars in UIA)...creepy huh...

Ever wonder how sometimes we stumble across smthing by coincidence but to you it seems like fate...but the truth is it is just by a mere accidental situation, i think thats what you call it...haha...I always wanted answers for everything that happened to me. I always want a quick fix when something bad happens to me...why is that? and when i try to fix it, it seems to get worse than before...the real world honestly does not work the way you want it...you do not have total control of what lays ahead in the future...there is always the unexpected will come up...

Why is it that when you are in love, you dun see that other persons bad side and when you are apart you see it and you tend to say it out to them...hurting them purposely...hmm...sorry for that...that other person does the same thing back to you...you are hurt back...it suppose to bring satisfaction but instead both of us gets deeper scars than we were before...what do you say when a person says your relationship just does not make sense anymore...hmm...am I suppose to feel bad about myself?...

So what do you say when someone says that you have no interest, suddenly you are boring, suddenly you are just the bad person, your that bad past of theirs...what do you say?...I really do not know...is it the best way to move on by remembering and reminding yourselves of the bad things people say to you...to move on, on the basis of what they say...some of the things people say are true about me...hmm...am I not loveable...I think so...Honestly, I am just afraid of being lonely...

Is it time to change...change to what?...to be a better person?...am I not a better person right now?...who am I...I have not find myself... maybe this is the time...I have to prove to a friend that I can live whitout a guy...I guess it's been some time that I'm all alone...I need to be independant from now on...

Why do people that don't want you anymore says that they still wants to care for you...they shouldn't....it makes it harder to move on...it is like their giving hope but actually they are not...just saying that so that you feel better..really...hate this feeling that I have...why do I have it...why am I still hoping when I know there is no hope anymore...

- SMILE ALWAYZ =) -

Still hanging in there...

Nope...still not moving, plus i'm beyond help now...some people say that leave the person in their sadness for a while because then they will learn on their own how to move on...i think that's what i need to do until one day i feel how stupid to feed this sadness and finaly move on forever without turning back...things in the past happened for a reason...we just need to learn from them and not to repeat the same mistakes..huhue...it's been hard for me, and for my friends i guess...because i've been this happy go lucky kind of person and suddenly i'm changing to being someone dark and twisty inside...i guess you can't always feel happy all the time can you?...so it's ok to feel sad sometimes...isn't it?...time will tell thats what a friend once told me...

Short semester has just started and i'm moving back and forth from UIA and home...I can't stay in UIA for a long time neither can I go out of my house...i guess for the mean time it is safer for me to stay in my comfort zone...until someone or something will come and get me...everyone needs help from time to time, someone to look out for them, to make sure that they are OK, make sure that they are ready...well I haven't got that yet...waiting, I guess for that time to come.

I hope I will get better soon...I want to feel better...I don't want to feel stuck and not moving, couped up in the past...it is soo sad and soo hard to deal with...to all my friends out there, to the people that cared for me soo much thank you for ur support, just pray that i will get better soon...thanks again...I think I will be fine...I guess i just need time to HEAL and to MOVE ON...

PATHETIC is the word I use to describe myself rite know...huhue..
I guess this is the song that describes me now...

Atrist: the veronicas
song: when it falls apart

i'm having the day from hell,
it was all going so well (before you came)and you told me you needed space,
with a kiss on the side my face (not again)
and not to mention (the tears, ashame)
but i should have kicked your (ass instead)
i need intervention attention
to stop temptation to scream

cause baby
everything is fed up straight from the heart
tell me what do you do,
when it all falls apart
gotta pick myself up
where do i start
cuz i can't turn to you
when it all falls apart
no

don't know where i parked my car
don't know who my real friends are (anymore)
i put my faith in you
what a stupid thing to do (when it rains it pours)
and not to mention (i drank too much)
i'm feeling hung over (and out of touch)
i need intervention
attention to stop temptation to scream

cause babyeverything is fed up straight from the heart
tell me what do you do,
when it all falls apart
gotta pick myself up
where do i start
cuz i can't turn to you
when it all falls apart
no

can it be easier?
can i just change my life?
cause it just seems to go bad everytime
will i be mending?
another one ending once again

everything is fed up straight from the heart
tell me what do you do,
when it all falls apart
gotta pick myself up (out)
where do i startcuz i can't turn to you
when it all falls apart
no (x2)

falls apart
gotta pick myself out cause things are mended


- SMILE ALWAYZ =) -

Am i moving on or not!!

Owh ok...who am I kidding right...I'm lying to myself, I'm lying to my family and friends make them believe that I'am ok.but the fact is I'm still not...it's been a month but I still stuck. You may say that owh it's still new...but then I'm thinking I want to move on so badly that it hurts even more than it started...really I just do not know who to turn to, to talk about my problems...Yes, we all need a little help or a push. evryone needs help sometimes. You can't deny that.

So what i'm doing right now is to try really hard to forget the past and move on. why is it so hard. I'm getting tired and exhausted by the second. I NEED TO LIVE!!!...I want a happy life...why is it so hard. All anyone can do is try their best for the things they want.

My friends are all starting to worry about me, how I'm doing and all...it feels like I'm ill, like i'm this hopeless, helpless and lifeless soul...I feel like I'm on a hospital bed where evryone, evryday people ask me how I'm doing, and obviously I would lie. I would say "I'm fine " but the truth is I'm just NOT fine...well not yet I guess..

I'm now waiting for the day I can smile and laugh again without me having to fake it...owh if I ever smile or laugh at my state now, honestly people can see that I'm just doing it for the sake of it. Someboby once told me I'm a lame actress. true I can't act. I can't even lie. eventhough I'm smiling my face always gives it away.

Someone also told me that you can't be like this because life just does not evolve around you, there is more that the things around you. People die everyday, people struggling with their cancer trying to fight for their life...and I just want to give up life...that is just WRONG!.. having the feeling of giving up in the first place is just wrong.

OK, maybe I said somethings I regretted in life or sometimes I just do the wrong things. Sometimes by doing the wrong things and to make mistakes. Yes by making mistakes is painful. You tend to regret a lot of things. But then they are the only way to find out who you really are. Right know I'm still clueless about who I really am. yeah pathetic I know. but thats reality of it.

Again, by doing mistakes having regrets teaches us to grow up and see the other side of life...who knows after this you will appreciate life more and you are for once happier than before...that is what I am waiting for now, better still I should not wait for it let it come and find me....

The tests that we face in our lives today will not always be there, my ustazah always says that GOD test you because He loves you, and you are not always tested only at times when needed, when there is the need to show the real value of life...

so to depression, LEAVE ME ALONE!, to happiness, YOU ARE WELCOME ANYTIME!

BERUSAHA!

- SMILE ALWAYZ =) -

Trying to find yourself?...

There is always someone out there trying to find their way, trying to find their place, trying to be themselves. Sometimes it is better to feel like you are the only one in the world struggeling, frustrated, unsatisfied, being left behind. That feeling is a lie and if you just hold on, find the courage to face it all for another day someone or something will find you and make it all look OK because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us to hear the music in the world, to be reminded that it won't always be that way. That someone is out there and that someone will find you!...

This is exacly how i feel. I feel lost trying to find something or rather someone to hold on to, I'm loosing my grip, trying really hard to move on, and everytime it seems like i'm moving but actually I'm not. I'm stuck!.I actually miss myself, I miss smiling and being happy without all the worries in the world. The fact is I really want my old self back, the happy me. I can't tell others about my problems because truly they do not understand, I can't tell the whole truth in fact. The best thing is just to keep it to myself. owh ok, as we grow up we have more and more problems, we just have to learn and cope with it. If I could I would turn back time and have fun and smile all I want, I want to be like children running around without any problems in mind.

There are moments in our lives that we feel like we live on crossroads, the choices we make in those moment can define the rest of our days ofcourse when we face the unknown makes we want to turn and go back.

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves on crossroads, afraid, confused without a roadmap or guide. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days, ofcourse when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back, but once in a while people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain, going it alone and just beyond the courage and the bravery to take someone in or to give someone a second chance.

Something beyonD the quiet persistence of a dream because it is only when you are tested that you truly discover who you are and it is only when you are tested you discover who you can be. the person who you want to be does exist, somewhere on the otherside of hardwork and faith and belief and heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

The reality is that pain is there to tell you something. It has reasons for it's existance. You just have to find it or maybe it will come to you without you noticing it.

Whatever it is, just have faith and believe in GOD, be patient, your life might just change in a split second. People are being tested because only then they really know what they are worth. Be strong.

I just hope that I can smile and laugh again as I used to without lying to myself or to anyone else. We were taught from we were kids that honesty is the best policy. But then the fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth hurts. No matter how hard we try to ignore it eventually our lives will fall away whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth, it hurts so we lie. We have to give up the things we want the most because it is the right thing to do.

This time my entry is quite confusing. The contents is all mixed up and sometimes I contradict myself. Nevertheless, this is how I feel, confused, do not know which direction I should be heading, or which is the right path.Guess I can only turn to GOD and pray for answers.

Thank You for reading, Smile Always k!...hold your chin up high..You can do this...

BERUSAHA!!!

Children or grown ups?

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, there is no such things as grown ups. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own, but the basic insecurities, the basic fears then all those hold wounds just grew up with us, and just when we think that life ends, circumstance have forced us to truly once and for all becoming an adult.

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older but for the most part we are still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying to fit in.

People say that it is impossible to grow up, without parents to defy, we brake the rules we make for ourselves. we throw tantrums when things do not go our way. we whisper secrets to our bestfriend in the dark. we look for comfort where we can find it and against all logic, against all experience, like children we never give up hope.