Me, Sofeah & Work...

So this is my daily routine and it will remain the same until I start work again. At 5 a.m Sofeah will wake me up because it's her feeding time and i will go back to sleep when she's done usually around 5.45am. By 6.30am hubby will wake me up for subuh prayer and I'll stay awake until hubby goes to work by this time Sofeah is awake again. And again I'll feed her until 8 a.m. after that I need to bathe her and put her clothes on. Done with this part I'll leave her for a while to hang some clothes out in the balcony. Usually whilst I'm doing this Sofeah will always be awake and sometimes she plays alone or cry a little bit because she knows I'm not around her. She hated being alone but most of my time I'll be with her. Other times I even play with her even though I know she does not understand a word I'm saying.

By me mentioning my daily routine is not to bore you people reading this it's just the fact that I'm getting use to this routine and I'm afraid of getting back to work. I spend 95 percent of my day with Sofeah and I know I'll miss her soo much. Every single day I'll learn a new thing about her and she also learns a lot as she is awake most of the time. When she is sleeping I miss her and when she's awake I want her to sleep. Funny eh.

How I wish I don't have to work but I can't let hubby feed the family by himself either. So I'm force to work to pay debts,bills and the house rent. Not that we have that many debts but at the same time we don't want it to mount either. I can't imagine the feeling leaving Sofeah at home one day. Even now if I leave Sofeah alone in another room I'll feel guilty for not being there with her and tears will trickle down my cheeks. I think about her all the time.

There are times when it is hard for her to sleep either because she does not feel well or she just force herself to stay awake. During these time I feel restless trying to get her to sleep. At one time I even cried together with her not knowing what she wants and why is it so difficult for her to sleep. I did everything from checking her diaper to giving her gripe water for colic. Nothing seems to work. True says hubby that sometimes we need a time off from her or else we might go crazy, by this he means us going to work. No one can really last taking care of a baby alone 24-7. We might loose our sanity even. That is why when a women who are in their confinement should never left alone with a baby for a long period or else they might go bonkers or the Malays call it 'meroyan' I think. this is why I salute to all housewives out there.

Despite the fact that sometimes I may be exhausted taking care of Sofeah but in the end it is all worth it. Looking at her very cute face every time made me think have I taken care of her good enough? Is she happy? or Am I a good mother?

Moving on, my preparation before going back to work again. I have to prepare mentally as well as physically. I have to get use to leaving Sofeah and not seeing her for long hours. I also have to make sure that I leave enough milk for her for the day and so I better start pumping and stock up milk in the freezer.I have to wake up extra early to feed her and start my first pumping session and thank god I have plenty of milk to feed her. My office hour ends at 4.30 pm so I don't have to go through the bad traffic on the road. Even though the office hour starts at 8.30am I still have to be there by 7.45am for free parking otherwise I'll have to pay Rm4 for parking. Usually we leave the house by 7 am.

All in all it's going to be difficult for me to leave her. I don't want to be those parents who only see their child at night and weekends only. I don't want to come home when Sofeah is already asleep and she can't recognize me anymore. I want to know my child and in the future children more. I want to know their likes and dislike. I don't want to miss out on them growing up. I just want to be a mother who cares for their children and not abandon them, but I'm afraid I might turn into parents that I don't want to be. I pray to Gad each day that I won't be just like any other parents.

Right now I just want to spend all of my time that I have left with her which is 2 weeks left. I really am gonna miss her. The cute smile, the cute faces she makes and everything about her. I love you soo much Sofeah..