Owh ok...who am I kidding right...I'm lying to myself, I'm lying to my family and friends make them believe that I'am ok.but the fact is I'm still not...it's been a month but I still stuck. You may say that owh it's still new...but then I'm thinking I want to move on so badly that it hurts even more than it started...really I just do not know who to turn to, to talk about my problems...Yes, we all need a little help or a push. evryone needs help sometimes. You can't deny that.
So what i'm doing right now is to try really hard to forget the past and move on. why is it so hard. I'm getting tired and exhausted by the second. I NEED TO LIVE!!!...I want a happy life...why is it so hard. All anyone can do is try their best for the things they want.
My friends are all starting to worry about me, how I'm doing and all...it feels like I'm ill, like i'm this hopeless, helpless and lifeless soul...I feel like I'm on a hospital bed where evryone, evryday people ask me how I'm doing, and obviously I would lie. I would say "I'm fine " but the truth is I'm just NOT fine...well not yet I guess..
I'm now waiting for the day I can smile and laugh again without me having to fake it...owh if I ever smile or laugh at my state now, honestly people can see that I'm just doing it for the sake of it. Someboby once told me I'm a lame actress. true I can't act. I can't even lie. eventhough I'm smiling my face always gives it away.
Someone also told me that you can't be like this because life just does not evolve around you, there is more that the things around you. People die everyday, people struggling with their cancer trying to fight for their life...and I just want to give up life...that is just WRONG!.. having the feeling of giving up in the first place is just wrong.
OK, maybe I said somethings I regretted in life or sometimes I just do the wrong things. Sometimes by doing the wrong things and to make mistakes. Yes by making mistakes is painful. You tend to regret a lot of things. But then they are the only way to find out who you really are. Right know I'm still clueless about who I really am. yeah pathetic I know. but thats reality of it.
Again, by doing mistakes having regrets teaches us to grow up and see the other side of life...who knows after this you will appreciate life more and you are for once happier than before...that is what I am waiting for now, better still I should not wait for it let it come and find me....
The tests that we face in our lives today will not always be there, my ustazah always says that GOD test you because He loves you, and you are not always tested only at times when needed, when there is the need to show the real value of life...
so to depression, LEAVE ME ALONE!, to happiness, YOU ARE WELCOME ANYTIME!
- SMILE ALWAYZ =) -